Parents, What if coaches were allowed to call your boss anonymously?

Perhaps growing up in the 80’s and 90’s in which social media influence, online popularity, and parent egos didn’t shape our everyday and carve our future was an advantage. Sure, we still played the comparison game of where our teammates and friends were going to college and what they were doing but we didn’t wake up with notifications buzzing on our phones and have the instant ability to see how many acquaintances or “friends” liked a recent verbal commitment post.

This virtual freedom we experienced, I believe, allowed us “Gen X’ers” to organically find our way academically, athletically, and professionally. Now don’t get me wrong, I know for a fact, that my always supportive mom wanted to pick up the phone and call my college coach on more than one occasion to inquire and perhaps state a case for more playing time for her daughter in her freshmen year.

But she never did.

For one, I would have been mortified, and two, I had every bit of confidence and was perfectly able to have a one-on-one conversation with an adult who was my coach; perhaps a lost life skill in today’s youth.

After my successful college playing days were over, I entered a profession that fed both my passion and love for the game of softball as a coach. Although my 20+ year journey as an NCAA Division I coach wasn’t always a smooth ride on a perfectly paved road to success, I always embraced (and overcame) each challenge as it arose. That was, until my last season, where unforgiving parents and an unsupportive administration ultimately led to a personal decision.

It was the last year of my contract, a new athletic director was at the helm, my team was plagued with injuries, particularly within the pitching staff, my associate head coach had left to pursue her dream job just before preseason, and there was residual resentment from a parent the year prior who’s daughter earned little playtime due to inconsistent performances. A perfect storm for any current parents unwilling to empathize with some of the insurmountable competitive challenges faced that season.

In a recent post, by Darren Cooper of northjersey.com, “Coaching High School sports keeps getting more complicated”, he wrote, “It’s not easy to walk away from a job you love and players you truly care about, but you have to take care of yourself.”

That’s exactly what I did. I walked away. I chose not to have a year added to my contract. A decision that I wake up to every day. I have to convince myself that the parents didn’t win and that it was a personal choice to prioritize my soon-to-be adopted family, who was being targeted online, with unsubstantiated claims against me.

Mr. Cooper, it’s not just high school that’s complicated, those parents who are not held accountable at the youth, high school, and travel level are slowly eroding away incredibly good, loyal, and passionate coaches in college too.

Two North Jersey High School softball coaches recently resigned. One, just earlier this week, Chris Jackson at Notre Dame High School. He was stated as saying, “There was a select group of parents who had an agenda that wasn’t consistent with how I wanted to run the program.”

If you recall, back in January, it was publicized on national TV that two high school basketball coaches also resigned due to harassment and mistreatment. Erin Carey, formerly of Wilson High, said, “The parents came after me personally, a personal attack on who I am, what I stand for, and the decisions I make.”

Parents, let me ask you this:

What if the coach of your son or daughter was allowed to freely contact your boss, supervisor, or employer and say whatever they want about you?

They are allowed to make up false claims about how you are never at your desk, how poorly you treat your co-workers because you don’t say hello to everyone every morning, that you are insensitive to mental health, that your sales are down this quarter because you are not good enough, call you mentally abusive for holding your staff accountable to a deadline, or say you need to be fired immediately or you will start a social media campaign against your company.

Essentially, this is #climate coaches are living in right now. Parents are allowed free reign to say what they want about coaches to their administrators, and in some cases, directly to their face, without context or validation.

Gone are the days in which players are mortified when a parent picks up a phone.

Vanished are the challenges of “helicopter parents” which was a new term used frequently I first started coaching.

Here are the point-blank acquisitions of parents relentlessly driving bulldozers down any coach’s home to clear a path that leads their child to more playing time, social media bragging rights, or change in leadership that will inevitably lead their child to a better work ethic <insert sarcastic chuckle here>.

How many more headlines will be written of a coach’s resignation before something / or someone, changes? When will leaders start having the courage to stand up against parents who are cyberbullying, harassing, and making up false allegations against coaches? When we will see the headline that states “High School Principal and Athletic Director step up and publically back coach despite a parent’s effort to falsely accuse their coach”?

In the case of Brian Holzgrafe, a former men’s tennis coach at Quincy University, who countersued a former player for spreading rumors of an inappropriate sexual relationship with a member of the women’s team for defamation. Brian was just awarded nearly $3 million in a historic court case that may set precedence for other coaches willing to fight the endemic of false allegations plaguing coaches.

Perhaps there is no vaccine for the parent pandemic, but I do believe there are steps administrators and coaches can take to at least minimize some of these chaotic and unacceptable behaviors:

1. High school/College parents need to be told what their expectations are by both coaches and administrators. Coaches, if your admins won’t back you in your preseason meeting and support your Parent Code of Conduct, that should be your red flag #1.

2. Should any parent break that code of conduct, they must be held accountable. Perhaps the first is a warning, second may be banned from a game. Work with your administrator on proper consequences.

3. Parents need to be taught at the youth levels, how to behave both in person and online. Don’t assume that every parent knows it is equally as valuable to support the team’s victory as it is your son’s or daughter’s base hit.

   1. League or organization’s directors should set the groundwork of expectations and coaches can then lay out the game-by-game expectations as needed based on the age level, type of league (ie, rec vs travel ball), and tournament - bracket play, showcase, etc.

4. Parents at the collegiate level must understand a few key realities before their child signs a National Letter of Intent or commits to play at the next level:

   1. Scholarship amounts are not an indicator of playing time.

   2. Playing time is determined in practice when you are not there. A coach will gauge a player’s ability to match up to the upcoming competition based on the success and work put in off the field.

   3. In a team of 20 players (ave. college roster size for softball), HALF the team will NOT start. 50% of the team will be role players. #SoftballTruth

   4. What you, as a parent, say after the game, regardless of playing time, will shape a player’s impression of their coach. Teams that win, have players who trust the process and more importantly the coach.

   5. Going directly to the administrator after the season is NOT the answer*. Empowering your daughter to have one-on-one conversations with their coach throughout their career is.

   6. Allow them to fail or sit the bench. Just because they were the MVP on their high school team and batter .600 for their travel team, does not automatically qualify them for a starting position in college. How they respond to what is happening is what matters. Give them the tools to change their role if they are unhappy.

   7. The NCAA portal is not always the answer*.

      *We understand, that as always, there are exceptions to every rule. Sadly, yes, there will be coaches who demonstrate poor behaviors, and are insensitive to mental health issues and there are NCAA portal success stories. These recommendations are not for those exceptions - this is for what is now the norm of parents behaving badly.

The answer is yes, I miss it. I miss witnessing the authentic enthusiasm of a player and seeing the success of their hard work in practice translate to a game. I miss experiencing the emotional high of winning a game on paper we were the underdogs. I miss having the ability to change the trajectory of a family’s future by offering an athletic scholarship to an amazing institute.

The answer is also, no. I don’t miss that feeling of not being supported, or even heard for that matter, by administrators despite having invested all physical and emotional efforts into navigating player and parent expectations with an unhealthy roster, being away from my family 4 of 7 days of a week, feeling like with every substitute made in a game there was a parent consciously putting a target on my back. No, the fact is, I don’t miss being told I’m mentally abusive for using a player off the bench as a pinch hitter.

I loudly applaud all coaches at all levels because COACHING IS HARD; Near impossible some days when faced with the insurmountable tasks a coach does daily and gets no credit for; let alone a thank you. As Coach Carlson, the Fearless Coach posted recently, it’s no longer just coaching skills and preparing teams to compete. That is only 10% of the plate.

Parents know your actions and words have implications on a coach’s livelihood, a player’s ability to cope and accept the role they’ve earned, and possibly the team’s overall win/loss record. Let’s start to change the climate and make supporting coaches a priority.

Or, we can always consider giving coaches the same freedom to disrupt a parent’s profession too.

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